How to deal with the negative self-talk that is sabotaging your success

Which of these two options do you think will help you to perform at your best?

1️⃣   Partaking in negative self-talk, including downplaying your capability and criticising your previous actions.

2️⃣   Being kind to yourself, with positive affirmations about your future and perspective about past mistakes.

I think you know the answer…it’s option 2, of course!!

While there’s nothing wrong with having high standards, being so hard on yourself that you have an inner dialogue which is mostly critical is not going to help you reach your full potential.

Now, don’t get me wrong: I am guilty of negative self-talk too. And I’m not saying I’ve discovered the cure.

However, as a recovering perfectionist, I have figured out some ways to recognise when I’m engaging in overly negative self-talk. I know now to deal with it quickly and how to get my mind to a better place.

Listen to episode 76 of CRE Success: The Podcast for all the help you’ll need to effectively handle negative self-talk.

Episode transcript:

So, you won't believe what I did just the other day.

I was recording a video for one of my online programs and did a great take of this video.

And then I looked, and I realized I didn't hit the record button.

And I thought, what an idiot, what kind of moron doesn't record when they're recording.

Now that is an example of negative self-talk. And that's hating on yourself. And that's what I want to talk to you about in today's show.

Hello, and welcome to episode 76 of CRE Success: The Podcast. My name is Darren Krakowiak. And I'm here to help commercial real estate professionals save time, earn more and be top performers in their market.

I'm really pleased that you're here for another week. Thank you so much for joining me.

And if being a top performer is something that is appealing to you, then I'd like to invite you to go to cresuccess.co/topperformer

Because top performer is a new program that will equip people in commercial real estate, particularly real estate agents focusing on commercial with the abilities, habits and tools required to be a top performer in their market.

Now, it's a six-module program. And each of the modules contains five sections.

And what I'm going to cover today is just one part of one of those sections.

So, if today's content does resonate with you, and you find it helpful, and you think, "You know what, I wouldn't mind having a system to become a top performer."

And then I've got one and I want you to just go to that page, have a look.

And if it looks interesting, you can leave your details. And when we do invite our next cohort of top performance students, you'll be sent an invite, no obligation to join, but you'll have all the information that you'll need to make a decision about whether you would like to join that program.

So, check it out, cresuccess.co/topperformer

So yeah, we're talking about negative self-talk. And that inner dialogue, that voice inside your head, whether you think it's a voice inside your head, or whether you know that it's actually just you, (that's a whole nother topic about psychology I won't get into).

But it's a negative, repetitive, unproductive dialogue that goes on and on and on every day on a continuous loop.

It's a lot of it is the same things, on and on and on, over and over and over.

And I've found that sometimes it's not just the same messages, but you can actually get caught up by one of these negative messages.

And then you get into a rabbit hole. And that's when it starts becoming really, really unhelpful, because you start dwelling on things that have happened in the past or things that you are facing a challenge with.

And you can find yourself in a really sometimes dark place, right?

If you've got negative thoughts that are driving you to really doubt yourself and to have the lack of perspective to be able to see the bigger picture and to realize that things aren't that bad, and that you're not that terrible, right?

And I think that negative self-talk is an example of one of the things that we often do to ourselves that we wouldn't do to other people.

So, when you think of some of the things that you say to yourself, in response to something that maybe hasn't gone, as well as you would have liked or when you're assessing things from your past, you are not treating yourself the way that you would treat other people.

So, you've probably heard the saying that you should treat others the way you want to be treated.

And certainly, that's a very good principle for the way that we should go about our lives.

But I don't think that we think enough about the way that we treat ourselves.

So, instead of being unfair on yourself, and being harsh and being nasty, treat yourself the way that you treat others.

And when you find yourself speaking with negative self-talk, one thing that you can do is think, "Well, if a friend came to me with this situation, what would I tell them?"

And maybe that would be a better thing to tell yourself as opposed to a lot of those negative messages that you've got going over in your head.

Treat yourself the way that you would commonly treat others. Encourage yourself, give yourself the benefit of the doubt. See the possibilities, right?

Negative self-talk is not going to get you anywhere.

Now, I don't know how to stop negative self-talk because I still do it.

I'm better at recognizing it now and intervening when it happens. And I think that's the key, right?

It's recognizing negative self-talk. And when it's becoming particularly unproductive and saying, "Okay, I'm going to stop in its tracks, and I'm going to do something to prove that what I'm telling myself is wrong."

And we had a previous episode of the show episode 51, I think it was, which was called 'Beliefs that are lies'.

And the word 'lie' is inside the word 'belief'. And I think often we're telling ourselves things which aren't even true.

So, we want to make sure that we're calling out the BS that's going on inside our heads, and that we are then replacing some of those negative, repetitive, unhelpful thoughts with more positive things.

And one thing that you can choose to do is to find one or more positive affirmations that you can tell yourself, instead of allowing negative self-talk to go on and on, unchecked in your mind.

Now, one positive affirmation that I quite like is 'My success is inevitable.'

And when I find myself dealing with a challenge, or being a bit hard on myself, in my mind, I can remind myself that 'my success is inevitable.'

And that just makes me feel a little bit more confident, that everything is going to be okay that I should keep going, that I shouldn't give up.

Now, that affirmation is helpful for me, but it may not be the best one for you. It's just one example of an affirmation.

I recommend googling business affirmations after the show. And just having a look, there's hundreds available online.

And maybe you don't want to google business affirmations, it's more just affirmations, in general, for dealing with personal situations in life.

Whatever it is that resonates with you, that's going to be most helpful to you to stop that negative self-talk is the one that you should go with.

And I think if you do google that, and you look through a few of them, a few of them will start to pop out on the page.

And I think a lot of high performers use positive affirmations to help them get to where they want to be.

And in fact, I have a coaching client who was a semi-pro golfer. And we were talking about negative self-talk.

And he told me about a great affirmation that he used when he was a golfer, which was something like the direction of the ball is not going to determine the direction of my mood.

And I really liked that, because that's an affirmation. And it's a way to remind yourself of not allowing your negative self-talk to get you into a place where you don't want to be.

So, it's all about just finding what it is that you can say to yourself, that's going to help you stop that negative self-talk and to get back on track or to stay on track.

I think that you could also use common sense approaches, or think of having a growth mindset as opposed to a fixed or a scarcity mindset.

Or you could just say to yourself, "I'm working towards being able to do that, to be able to present that well to do that deal to hit that ball harder."

So, when you see someone maybe doing a really great job, and you come at things from a perspective of lack, which is "Oh, I could never do that", as opposed to thinking, "Well, I would like to be able to do that. And what is it that I need to do? What do I need to work on? Who do I need to become? What are the things that I should be doing in order for me to get there."

Whatever it is that you're working towards, don't tell yourself you can't do it.

Ask yourself the question, "What is it that I need to do to be able to do it?"

Or remind yourself that you are doing what is required to work towards being able to do it.

So, I know that's a bit of a pep talk but that's what this is about today.

It's about getting rid of that negative self-talk and replacing it with things that are going to help you achieve what it is that you're going to achieve.

And one other sort of idea I wanted to share with you today is from a book that I read called 'The compound effect" by Darren Hardy.

It was actually recommended to me by Raphael from the CRE Academy Podcast.

I was interviewed by Jeff and Raphael, and I repurposed that interview on this podcast, episode 69, and 70. So you can listen back to it.

But that was really great book recommendation, I listened to it as an audio book.

And there was one thing that really stuck out to me that I thought I would share with you today that I think fits in with what we're talking about. Because it's about reverse paranoia.

So sometimes I think negative self-talk can start when we are experiencing a little bit of anxiety, and we're feeling a little bit nervous about a situation.

So it could be for example, if you're about to attend a networking event, and you don't really feel that comfortable about speaking to people, you might think, "Oh, who wants to really talk to me?"

Or maybe it's before you make your dials before you do your prospecting? And you think, "Oh, I can't face this. It's just more people who don't want to talk to me."

Well, rather than having the paranoid perspective, have the reverse paranoid perspective, which is that on the other side of that door, there are 50 people who cannot wait to meet me.

Or the list of people who I'm going to call today, all of them cannot wait to talk to me.

And just that little shift in perspective, it's actually a big shift, isn't it's not a little shift. But it's just a swing around have rather than paranoid, but ultimate positivity about what is going to happen next is going to make you feel more motivated.

It's going to change the way you turn up. And it's going to help you get those big important tasks done. Or to deal with situations which typically make you feel a little bit anxious.

Well, I hope that this little pep talk about negative self-talk has given you some ideas of how you can identify when you find yourself engaging in negative self-talk, intervene, replace the negative talks with maybe some affirmations or some more perspective, imagining that you're helping somebody else with that situation.

And also, just thinking about things from a more positive perspective.

If it is helpful, and you do enjoy this podcast, make sure you subscribe to the channel and subscribe to the show. So, you're always updated on when we release new episodes.

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So, we'd love seeing the reviews. I know hundreds of people listening every week, but not so many people leave reviews.

I'm not saying I get negative self-talk because we don't have positive reviews.

But it would mean a lot if you're able to go into your library, click on the podcast and then swipe down and then click that five-star button. And that helps more people find the content.

Thank you so much for listening today. I will speak to you soon.